Just gotta say

My boyfriend is the sweetest.. and I really like him.

Just saying.

thoughts

Run your life or it will run you.

It's true when they say letting go is not a one time thing. It's an everyday thing that needs to be done several times before you're at peace with yourself. I miss her to pieces. I found myself wondering where she was earlier today, only to realize that she's gone. I don't like to think about it lest the thought of all the alternative outcomes if something hadn't gone a certain way, or if someone had been there at a certain time. Life goes on. It's the circle of life. I blame no one. I'll remember her always, this I'm sure and have been reassured by many pet-owners who have gone with through the same ordeal. Death is a part of life. Everyone has their problems, it's the only matter of how you deal with them.

Be strong, carry on y'all. Defeat is only temporary, giving up is what makes it permenant.

projectile vomit

my heart died on sunday night
estimated time of death is 6pm
i miss her dearly

"i'm sorry for your loss"
"i can only imagine how you feel"
what do i say?
"thank you"?
"yes, i feel truly horrible"?

i shouldn't be so resentful,
the people around me don't know how to deal with my sadness
as much as i don't know how to deal with death.

i don't know what mourning is like

i hate work.. oh my god.. i fucking hate work.
the people i work for are such insensitive fucks
i could give a rat's ass about customer service at the moment
i'm doing my job the best i can.
i'm ready to walk out anyday now

my health is going down the drain
i have no appetite
i can't sleep
i have been sick for weeks..

there are far too many "what ifs"
and "couldve beens"
it's all too depressing to dwell upon

i know we all blame ourselves for what happened
sudden death is by far the worst way to say goodbye
the absolute worst
what i'm saying?
it's not saying goodbye at all
it's more like
whoosh
and you're gone
and then just layers and layers of regret and turmoil

i wish people would calmly fuck off
and leave me alone.
stop suggesting that i replace my dead dog
stop asking me what happened
stop telling me how i should and shouldn't feel
stop.

i have yet to spend a day alone and mourn by myself.
even the day she passed, my boyfriend came to see me
i don't blame him
but i'm not gonna lie
i held back my sobs until i got back into my house

i'm so sick of putting on this front
so that everybody thinks i'm okay
and we can continue talking about boy problems
as though they are world issues

i'm a hypocrite
just a week ago i was talking about the very same trivial issues
yet at this moment in the time
i'm not particularly interested.

i'm aware that there are far worse things
then waking up and finding your puppy lying dead in a room all by herself,
i am very aware.
but are you?

everyone keeps telling me how strong i am
am i really?
maybe i'm just good at maintaining this pretense
when indeed, all my strings have come undone
and my insides have finally collapsed in a miserable heap
my heart being at the very bottom of that heap.

my entire family is in mourning
we are barely capable of comforting ourselves
let alone eachother

the silence in this house is deafening

and although her possessions have been put away
i look around this house and think to myself,

something is missing.

I hear they're coming for me, because being at the top gets quite lonely

12 days till Christmas. (Cue music.)

A little high off the glass of red wine I just knocked back (for the perfect siesta, I assure you I'm not an alcoholic), I'm typing to you.. my global community. After several nights of sleeping in the AM's (when I say AM, I mean 6AM to be exact) my skin has become a display of my nasty habits, in happy matrimony with my mild rosacea, panda eyes and puffy eyebags.

Also, why is it everytime I need to buy something online, my mother and I get into a fight.. Coincidence? I think not.

I feel like I've hit an impasse. I'm getting questioned.. "Where have you been?" "Are we drifting?" "I feel like you're too busy for me lately.." I have answers to these questions, but not necessarily the most truthful or the right ones for that matter.

I can't decide whether it's the cabin fever that's taken its toll on me.. or if it's really me acting like a spinny bitch. I would hope it isn't the latter.. but if it is, I know why.

All I really have to say on this ordeal (an extremely trivial one at that), is Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people. I will expand at another point in time.

All I want for Christmas is.. black Lita's, those lace-up wedges from UO, and a merry fucking Christmas. I'd like to extend the last one to everyone I know. xox!

Hmm.. it's almost 5:30AM. I'm definitely going to hate myself in the morning.

.. and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make.*

possibly one of the most unselfish things I've ever done

I let you go

ttyn..

Additions to the family

Leather loaves of love..

Have been resisting the urge to shop because Christmas is about buying gifts for others, and I plan to honour that notion. So you could imagine my delight when my mum told me I could have these two babes!!! Black leather with gold accents.. always classic. The one on the left is a new Escada purse, and the one on the right is vintage Christian Dior. I'm defs in love.

How cute is Escada's elephant zipper? I'm glad the leather isn't the buttery soft kind, because knowing me, it would get ruined forsure. I don't handle any of my possessions with care. Hence why I avoid borrowing people's things, and I'm always buying new shoes because I scuff my shoes like there's no tomorrow! This is not a desirable trait, I might add.. My mother certainly doesn't think so.

Other than having to stay for being sick, "studying", and watching this week's Glee twice with my dad, my boyfriend dropped off some vitamin B to ward off the cold symptons.. What a little suck huh? Kidding. He really is a sweetie.

In other news I cannot wait till exams are over. Nicolle and I have already discussed this. Post exam season is going to be cray cray.. Gongshows are awaiting my presence.. Glasses of wine are waiting to be filled.. The pavement has yet to feel the onslaught of my heels and perhaps my face (let's be serious, it's definitely going to be my knees or bum.. it always is).. All the restaurants of Vancouver/Richmond/Burnaby, be prepared to be amazed by mine and my girl Winda's appetite.. I AM COMING FOR YOU. Don't you worry..

goodnight & good luck to you

Sixteen Candles

"So.. when's the last time someone told you you looked younger than you actually are?" - my boyfriend.

I am aware that I look like a sixteen year old. *bbm hand* Who's gonna be laughing when I look 25, and y'all start greying in your 30's..

I have the urge to go shopping. Oh my God. I want to go shopping soo bad but I can't. I have to save up for Christmas AND for Mexico. I'm attempting to "prove something" by telling my mom I'm capable of paying half.. She doesn't think I know what it means to save up. UGH!!! Saving is not my forte. I have yet to save a penny of my earnings. I found out a few weeks ago that Carver saves half his paycheque every week.. what the hell have I been doing???? I guess I will be one of those people who will never have their own car.. their own house.. or be able to buy their children toys on their birthdays..

Whatever. I'm still going to make a shopping list:

- wedges from UO

- one-colour allover hightops

- men's circle scarf

- leather gloves

- CONTACTS B/C I'M LEGIT GOING BLIND

- hairspray

.. as well as a Mexican shopping list:

- romper

- fedora

- high-waisted shorts

- Levi cutoffs

- [taupe] Oxfords (to go with my high-waisted shorts, durr.)

- silky shorts

- black bikini

- dresses that won't get ruined if I decide to frolic in them

Boyfriend picked my drunk ass up from my staff Christmas party tonight. "You are a handful." I TOLD YOU SO!!!!!! Don't say I didn't warn you..

Half the staff was already tanked when I got there. Everyone looked great! It was so nice seeing everyone out of work. Umm.. however, some work drama that I never knew about came up.. but it's all good, I was knocking back that wine glass like there was no tomorrow.. Let's just say the Christmas party was so good that I want to stay another year just to come to the next one.. It's not because of the free alcohol, really.. It's because everyone there was like family. They've all known each other for so long and are so supportive (except for the fact that one of my coworkers wanted to steal my prize.. bitch, keep your paws off!). And God knows how hard it is to find a family out of your bloodline these days..

GAAAAH. I just want to fork a motherfuckin' caesar salad into my mouth right now.. heavy on the parm pleeeeeeease. Damn.. hungry as fuck.. !!!!!!!!!

bisou bisou