Period Talk

As a small attempt in hoping my period comes sooner, I have switched into my Blackberry case and will start eating copious amounts of ice cream. I need my period to arrive already, because I'm in need of reassurance in my most recent emotionally-driven antics.

Y'all know you're officially cray cray when you start admitting to your antics..

My boyfriend is taking a lot of the heat. He's annoyingly accepting of this entire process; he went as far as to say, "Baby.. Are you on your period? I know around the second week of the month is when your cycle starts."

Bitch, please. I am not on my period.

Yet.

I want me some fucking ice cream!!!!!!!

What's Missing

"Ce qui manque" as Chu puts it.

Writing my paper, waiting for my coffee buzz to die down.. stalking my ex-boyfriend on Facebook for a little bit (don't act like you never).. I think I know what's missing.

No. It's not him (Thank God).

At least not him per se. It's more as though, while I was looking at pictures of him (DON'T ACT LIKE YOU NEVER), I asked myself "How much did I love him again?" Did the last few years really revolve around him?

It seems like it never happened at all. It seems non-existent. Or otherwise, insignificant and frivolous.

My heartstrings no longer pull at the sight of him. The chronic feelings of jealousy have completely dissipated in his wake. All feared prospects of previous attachment is gone. I'm free.

I should feel exhilerated. I should be running down the street, screaming at the top of my lungs that I've finally mentally and emotionally let you go.

If you wanna fly,

you gotta let go of the shit that weighs you

down.

But I don't. I feel half-empty. I don't even know whether it's a void that needs to be filled or not; I just know that right now it is wasting away. Abandoned and left to die. I wanna say it's becoming obsolete.. but how can I go and say that when I am in a relationship with someone who is desperately trying make things work?

He is sweet. And honest. And caring. And captivating. And funny. And smart. And strong. And thoughtful. What is wrong with me? Clearly, I am unappreciative. And thoughtless. And inconsiderate. And insulting. And out of my mind.

How is it that I feel like my insides are dead? As though my heart has stopped beating and incapable of  feeling that magic that only people who are really love feel.

What I'm trying to say is that, my heartstrings to pull for anyone anymore. What does this mean?

Think for me.

x, K

Because I'm a girl..

I like it when my legs look skinny. And tan. I believe that wearing red brings confidence. The colour of your nails completes your outfit. Shoes are the essence of any ensemble, seeing as they hold you up in life. I like my hair best when it's long and cascading down my shoulders. Even better when it's in loose curls or beachy waves. When I was little, I loved wearing dresses because it made me feel pretty--I still do. I dance to Top 40's music and I love it. Red lipstick is for sexy bitches--the David Guetta kind. I go apeshit when my phone battery is dying. I like the way my mascara used to make marks on my boyfriend's cheeks after we'd finish kissing. I love "pulling a Laguna" as in wearing sweats tucked into Uggs, big sunnies and a vente Starbucks in hand; the way Tina and I used to roll in back on those sporadic early mornings. Beach bumming is a hobby, I mean, what's better than falling asleep under the sun? Ringing my eyes with black eyeliner doesn't make me feel beautiful, it makes me feel fierce. But when the guy I love still tells me I'm gorgoeus with no makeup at all, it feels pretty damn good. Pearls make me feel classy. Getting ready with the girls is the highlight of my night.. besides the late-night pigging out. So what if I can't run a marathon in these stilettos? At least I can stomp around and act like I'm stepping all over those people who have stepped all over me in the past. Retail therapy is real therapy. Yes, as a matter of fact I do need this giant bag because inside are the contents of my LIFE. I like smelling good.

Because I'm me, I love touching dogs and their wet noses. It sounds gross, but I love it. I could live without conditioner only if I used Sab's shampoo (smells effin' amazing). Soy, lactose-free.. any kind of milk is nasty. I can't get enough of fake eyelashes. I press snooze until it's 45 minutes after my original alarm time. I hate not washing my hair for more than one day. It drives me fucking crazy. My closet staples are tights, v-necks and Uggs. I hate watching my friends settle for less. I'm a fan of chivalry and I like it when my guy friends tell me, "That's just the way I was taught". I'm always late, don't count on me for anything. I could go for some McDonalds right now. A momma's boy is my kind of boy. I'm a snobby bitch to people I don't trust. During the summertime, I have mass cravings for BBQ and nightmarket food. I like feeling like a lady, if you know what I mean. I still think black panties are bought to be worn in front of someone... I like the way my favourite boy makes me laugh, even when I'm beyond pissed off. It really bugs me when people act like music is a religion. I don't think before I speak. Converse chucks are the only shoes that look good dirty. I love eating chicken wings with fake nails and my eyelashes on--I feel like a fucking woman. I don't get menstrual cramps. I would like to believe that my hamster knows her name is Gwendilynn and that I'm her mama, but I know I'm just fooling myself.. I can't understand how cheaters can look themselves in the mirror. I live in the moment because things always happen for a reason right? I would rather walk and recycle. Mary-Kate and Ashley, and Molly Ringwald are my movie heroines. My friends are the only people in the world who can tolerate me, I grant you that.

Because I'm me, because I'm a girl.. it's all the same. This is me and I'm a girl, and I fucking love it.