I wanna. I wanna. I gotta be adored.

So my boyfriend and I recently admitted that we are falling in love with each other.

"We're definitely on our way," as he puts it.

Half of me is exhilerated--shouldn't we all aim to be that brutally honest and openly suspectible to love? I always thought love's Nirvana would be described as a place where nobody is keeping score anymore. A place where you're free to stand ontop of a street bench and tell the whole world how much you love your significant other; where all trust issues simply dissipate.

I would be so happy just having that. For a (premature) period of time, my greatest fear growing up was to one day wake up next to the wrong person. I'd turn next to me and wonder, "Where's the love of my life?"

But of course, nothing in life works out accordingly. We can't all have what we want. The cynic in the back of my head recognizes the boundaries between sheer fantasy and reality. We can't all have the fairytale wedding and the happy marriage. Part of me is in love with the idea of love; its many manifestations and the promise that it is indeed what gives life purpose.

The other part of me is mortified.

"What's your favourite thing about me?"

"Your personality."

Period Talk

As a small attempt in hoping my period comes sooner, I have switched into my Blackberry case and will start eating copious amounts of ice cream. I need my period to arrive already, because I'm in need of reassurance in my most recent emotionally-driven antics.

Y'all know you're officially cray cray when you start admitting to your antics..

My boyfriend is taking a lot of the heat. He's annoyingly accepting of this entire process; he went as far as to say, "Baby.. Are you on your period? I know around the second week of the month is when your cycle starts."

Bitch, please. I am not on my period.

Yet.

I want me some fucking ice cream!!!!!!!

Free fall

So, I'm under the impression that relationships are supposed to be very give-and-take. Each partner should be treated as equals, or as subject to change with a given context.

I'm not used to give-and-take. I'm not a fan of give-and-take. Although I'd like to be. I'm getting the feeling that this relationship has too many "I'd like to be" and in return, I'm getting a lot of "But in reality".

And although we spend our lives trying to become the person we want to be, I think it hurts even more to pretend to be that person than not be that person at all. Am I crazy to think otherwise?

Sigh.

A Thank You note

I'm the type of person who is easily moved. I cried at the Hummel wedding in Glee, I get attached to fictional characters, I get sad beyond reasons about subjects that don't come up in normal dinner conversation. It wouldn't be wrong to say that I do blow some things out of porportion [#kanyeshrug].. And to my chagrin, I have the annoying knack of wearing my heart on my sleeve.

I don't know why I'm so upset, I think if anything though, I'm more really angry. In short, a teacher at my high school was recently arrested for "sexual harrassment". It makes sense that word has been passed around to my high school alumni, but having students misconstrue the facts (or in this case, lack thereof) is another thing. I'm relating back to one of my theories that I've come up with on how some people are so despicable.. (mostly derrived from my experience in the restaurant industry/people to people encounters).

It sounds extremely naive, but sometimes it's hard to wrap my head around the fact that not everyone has a good heart. Not everyone thinks before they say something, do something, or type it up on Facebook for the whole world to see. Not everyone has common courtesy, some people have no courtesy at all. Not everyone remembers that you are human being, and not what your job description says you are.

Anyways, what happened was that someone on Facebook had deemed this teacher a "rapist" when I'm sure everyone has seen the article and it didn't say anything about raping or even disclosing the sex of the victim. Being honest, I didn't look too much into what that person said, except for slightly shaking my head in disapproval because how is this funny mislabelling someone a rapist.. And this is someone who was part of our educational community. Teachers really put themselves out there.

However, my girlfriend DID say something about it. She commented on said person's status, wrote an entire paragraph explaining how it's sad to see people laughing at the expense of someone else's misery. And how falsely accusing someone of being a rapist just further discredits their reputation, which is exactly what all this publicity has done. This teacher has not only lost their job, but their reputation has been shot to pieces. An individual commented on what my girlfriend had said, as a counter argument. Ugh.. between you and I, I fucking hate this guy. He's disgusting and legit makes me want to punch him in the face. He said something along the lines of "He already ruined his reputation by doing what he did. Just because you love [teacher's name] doesn't make what you said right. If you can't accept that then you are SAD. Yada yada yada.. I have nothing substantial to say because I'm a flaming moron." I'm not being bias (maybe a tad).. he is a fucking moron.. and also a bigot for that matter. And guess what his profile picture is on Facebook? A blurry, pixilated, cropped headshot of the accused teacher. I'm going to go ahead and say that he's too hideous to put his real picture on Facebook anyway..

As my endnote, I've been kind of off lately with everything that's been going on in my life. I've been spending a lot of time with my family, pushing out a lot of my friends. I've been contemplating whether or not I've changed drastically from the person I was only a year ago, or if I'm just freaking myself out. AS MY ENDNOTE, I'd like to say I'm glad that assholes and jerkoffs exist in this universe, otherwise I'd lose sight of what kind of person I aim not to be. And as these individuals exude some of the characteristics that I hate the most in humanity, they remind me of my values and my morals. I'd like to thank them for never losing sight of the small small world they live in..

here's a toast for the douchebags. *kisses*

Unload

so i found out a few days ago that
one of my oldest and closest friends' mom
was diagnosed with cancer.

i've known this girl since we were 5
and we've been on and off best friends since we were 8.

i used to call her mom, my second mom
her home, my second home
her, my sister

what makes this all really tragic is the fact that
her dad died just two years ago
from the very same disease.
that was a few years of watching him die
several months of watching him deteriorate--mind and body alike

you'd think such an indestructible sickness would know how to disperse at a lower density level..

and all this news
made me think--
what's there really to be sad about in my life?

the fact that my hair has a red undertone, and not blonde?
how i'm unable to wear yellow tones in fear of looking jaundice?
how i am completely inept when any critical moment rolls around(/everything in life)..

when i think about the realities my friend has to face alone
everytime she goes to bed, everytime she wakes up in the morning
every single second of the fucking day--
it makes me want to laugh,
and ask God to give me something real to cry about.

Everyone needs to smile more.