Killuminati up this bitch..

There are too many people who think the only right thing is to get by, and the only wrong thing is to get caught.

There's nobody you can trust these days..

I hate you

"L'amour est un genre de suicide." - Jacques Lacan (médecin, 1901-1981)

Je me sens épuisés: emotionellement, physiquement, mentalement. Les adjectifs de mal-appreciés et mal-traités viennent en tete. Est-il possible de ressentir si repoussés en face de quelqu'un vous avez aimé pour les derniers deux ans? Est-il possible qu'un seul individu peut évoqué la volonté de vomir à un mésure si incomprehensible?

In a camp of rockets

Mondays are generally bad, but today was an exceptionally bad Monday. I'm probably over-reacting, I tend to do that. I was probably just super cranky because I hadn't eaten all day (I go bitch wild when I haven't eaten for a long time.. just ask W/KT).

Because I'm a fucking idiot, I slept at 5AM last night even though I had finished my Thriller presentation around 1ish. Like, what the fuck is wrong with me? Even as I'm typing out this blog right now, my eyes feel heavy (and itchy for some reason, it's been like that all fucking day) and I want nothing more than to wake up fresh and early tomorrow and actually do something with my life (especially since I made plans to have lunch and study with J tmr lol). I'll go to bed after this entry. Promise. Okay, I lied. I saved this entry as a draft then I came back now (3:06AM) to finish it.

Anyway.. so it started when I left 20 minutes for myself to get ready. It's so hard to pick out warm clothes if you're like me who lives on thin cotton cardigans and tights--strictly, NO jeans. I left the house without breakfast which was a huge mistake. Androol said he'd drive me home and wait for me for the extra hour. I went to class in a rush, interrupting this poor girl's presentation while doing so. Turns out SFU doesn't have underground wireless connections so I had to go upstairs (interrupted someone else's presentation as well) and proceeded to disrupt a couple that was obviously fighting.. but I didn't notice till the girl packed up her things and left with the guy looking like "Huh?" (I really hope I didn't make it worse). I was doing a presentation on "Thriller" and it's basically a mini-movie, and with the shitty reception travelling between SFU's cement walls, it took literally forever to load. With ten minutes left of class, I booked it back downstairs and my TA ended up telling me I could present it next class. Sa-weet... thanks.

I don't want to go into detail anymore, because I really shouldn't be bad mouthing my friends on my public blog as lame as that sounds. But by the end of the day, I ended up waiting in a car by myself for 40 minutes and then walking in the cold to go home. Both were by choice, so don't worry. But yeah.. sometimes I really hate being around people.. especially dick-ish loud mouthed people.

Thank God for W and J, and pho. They both picked me up and we went to get some heart-warming goodness. I was starving.. I had a bowl of pho, a spring roll and a pear made out of hazelnut ice cream. Mmmm first meal of the day.

I miss my friends. I'm probably just saying this now because I'm hella pissed at my friends at school for leaving me no choice but to walk home.. but that's just me being a diva. Haha. I feel like a shitty friend for always bailing and never going through with our plans. I'm always studying with the guys at school or eating with them. I never have time for my high school friends, most of whom I've known since the 1st grade. I've spoken to Stephen about this and we both agreed that everyday gets a little riskier. Everytime you bail for some school issue or your new friends from school, your friends get less and less lenient. I love you guys btw... can't wait till tomorrow!!!

Furthermore, I miss having time.

I really want to tan but I'm scared and I have no time lol. Jo says it's the most precious thing ever.. "everyone needs that warm embrace every once in awhile". Tans make me feel happy. I feel accomplished after a day of beach bumming and I come home and check out legs in the mirror. I miss those days where I could wear flipflops everyday and avoid stepping into puddles in the middle of the sidewalk.

Did I mention that I'm getting fat?

I'm going to leave with a song that I can't stop listening to..

Because I'm a girl..

I like it when my legs look skinny. And tan. I believe that wearing red brings confidence. The colour of your nails completes your outfit. Shoes are the essence of any ensemble, seeing as they hold you up in life. I like my hair best when it's long and cascading down my shoulders. Even better when it's in loose curls or beachy waves. When I was little, I loved wearing dresses because it made me feel pretty--I still do. I dance to Top 40's music and I love it. Red lipstick is for sexy bitches--the David Guetta kind. I go apeshit when my phone battery is dying. I like the way my mascara used to make marks on my boyfriend's cheeks after we'd finish kissing. I love "pulling a Laguna" as in wearing sweats tucked into Uggs, big sunnies and a vente Starbucks in hand; the way Tina and I used to roll in back on those sporadic early mornings. Beach bumming is a hobby, I mean, what's better than falling asleep under the sun? Ringing my eyes with black eyeliner doesn't make me feel beautiful, it makes me feel fierce. But when the guy I love still tells me I'm gorgoeus with no makeup at all, it feels pretty damn good. Pearls make me feel classy. Getting ready with the girls is the highlight of my night.. besides the late-night pigging out. So what if I can't run a marathon in these stilettos? At least I can stomp around and act like I'm stepping all over those people who have stepped all over me in the past. Retail therapy is real therapy. Yes, as a matter of fact I do need this giant bag because inside are the contents of my LIFE. I like smelling good.

Because I'm me, I love touching dogs and their wet noses. It sounds gross, but I love it. I could live without conditioner only if I used Sab's shampoo (smells effin' amazing). Soy, lactose-free.. any kind of milk is nasty. I can't get enough of fake eyelashes. I press snooze until it's 45 minutes after my original alarm time. I hate not washing my hair for more than one day. It drives me fucking crazy. My closet staples are tights, v-necks and Uggs. I hate watching my friends settle for less. I'm a fan of chivalry and I like it when my guy friends tell me, "That's just the way I was taught". I'm always late, don't count on me for anything. I could go for some McDonalds right now. A momma's boy is my kind of boy. I'm a snobby bitch to people I don't trust. During the summertime, I have mass cravings for BBQ and nightmarket food. I like feeling like a lady, if you know what I mean. I still think black panties are bought to be worn in front of someone... I like the way my favourite boy makes me laugh, even when I'm beyond pissed off. It really bugs me when people act like music is a religion. I don't think before I speak. Converse chucks are the only shoes that look good dirty. I love eating chicken wings with fake nails and my eyelashes on--I feel like a fucking woman. I don't get menstrual cramps. I would like to believe that my hamster knows her name is Gwendilynn and that I'm her mama, but I know I'm just fooling myself.. I can't understand how cheaters can look themselves in the mirror. I live in the moment because things always happen for a reason right? I would rather walk and recycle. Mary-Kate and Ashley, and Molly Ringwald are my movie heroines. My friends are the only people in the world who can tolerate me, I grant you that.

Because I'm me, because I'm a girl.. it's all the same. This is me and I'm a girl, and I fucking love it.