Just gotta say

My boyfriend is the sweetest.. and I really like him.

Just saying.

thoughts

Run your life or it will run you.

It's true when they say letting go is not a one time thing. It's an everyday thing that needs to be done several times before you're at peace with yourself. I miss her to pieces. I found myself wondering where she was earlier today, only to realize that she's gone. I don't like to think about it lest the thought of all the alternative outcomes if something hadn't gone a certain way, or if someone had been there at a certain time. Life goes on. It's the circle of life. I blame no one. I'll remember her always, this I'm sure and have been reassured by many pet-owners who have gone with through the same ordeal. Death is a part of life. Everyone has their problems, it's the only matter of how you deal with them.

Be strong, carry on y'all. Defeat is only temporary, giving up is what makes it permenant.

projectile vomit

my heart died on sunday night
estimated time of death is 6pm
i miss her dearly

"i'm sorry for your loss"
"i can only imagine how you feel"
what do i say?
"thank you"?
"yes, i feel truly horrible"?

i shouldn't be so resentful,
the people around me don't know how to deal with my sadness
as much as i don't know how to deal with death.

i don't know what mourning is like

i hate work.. oh my god.. i fucking hate work.
the people i work for are such insensitive fucks
i could give a rat's ass about customer service at the moment
i'm doing my job the best i can.
i'm ready to walk out anyday now

my health is going down the drain
i have no appetite
i can't sleep
i have been sick for weeks..

there are far too many "what ifs"
and "couldve beens"
it's all too depressing to dwell upon

i know we all blame ourselves for what happened
sudden death is by far the worst way to say goodbye
the absolute worst
what i'm saying?
it's not saying goodbye at all
it's more like
whoosh
and you're gone
and then just layers and layers of regret and turmoil

i wish people would calmly fuck off
and leave me alone.
stop suggesting that i replace my dead dog
stop asking me what happened
stop telling me how i should and shouldn't feel
stop.

i have yet to spend a day alone and mourn by myself.
even the day she passed, my boyfriend came to see me
i don't blame him
but i'm not gonna lie
i held back my sobs until i got back into my house

i'm so sick of putting on this front
so that everybody thinks i'm okay
and we can continue talking about boy problems
as though they are world issues

i'm a hypocrite
just a week ago i was talking about the very same trivial issues
yet at this moment in the time
i'm not particularly interested.

i'm aware that there are far worse things
then waking up and finding your puppy lying dead in a room all by herself,
i am very aware.
but are you?

everyone keeps telling me how strong i am
am i really?
maybe i'm just good at maintaining this pretense
when indeed, all my strings have come undone
and my insides have finally collapsed in a miserable heap
my heart being at the very bottom of that heap.

my entire family is in mourning
we are barely capable of comforting ourselves
let alone eachother

the silence in this house is deafening

and although her possessions have been put away
i look around this house and think to myself,

something is missing.

I hear they're coming for me, because being at the top gets quite lonely

12 days till Christmas. (Cue music.)

A little high off the glass of red wine I just knocked back (for the perfect siesta, I assure you I'm not an alcoholic), I'm typing to you.. my global community. After several nights of sleeping in the AM's (when I say AM, I mean 6AM to be exact) my skin has become a display of my nasty habits, in happy matrimony with my mild rosacea, panda eyes and puffy eyebags.

Also, why is it everytime I need to buy something online, my mother and I get into a fight.. Coincidence? I think not.

I feel like I've hit an impasse. I'm getting questioned.. "Where have you been?" "Are we drifting?" "I feel like you're too busy for me lately.." I have answers to these questions, but not necessarily the most truthful or the right ones for that matter.

I can't decide whether it's the cabin fever that's taken its toll on me.. or if it's really me acting like a spinny bitch. I would hope it isn't the latter.. but if it is, I know why.

All I really have to say on this ordeal (an extremely trivial one at that), is Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people. I will expand at another point in time.

All I want for Christmas is.. black Lita's, those lace-up wedges from UO, and a merry fucking Christmas. I'd like to extend the last one to everyone I know. xox!

Hmm.. it's almost 5:30AM. I'm definitely going to hate myself in the morning.

.. and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make.*

possibly one of the most unselfish things I've ever done

I let you go

ttyn..

Additions to the family

Leather loaves of love..

Have been resisting the urge to shop because Christmas is about buying gifts for others, and I plan to honour that notion. So you could imagine my delight when my mum told me I could have these two babes!!! Black leather with gold accents.. always classic. The one on the left is a new Escada purse, and the one on the right is vintage Christian Dior. I'm defs in love.

How cute is Escada's elephant zipper? I'm glad the leather isn't the buttery soft kind, because knowing me, it would get ruined forsure. I don't handle any of my possessions with care. Hence why I avoid borrowing people's things, and I'm always buying new shoes because I scuff my shoes like there's no tomorrow! This is not a desirable trait, I might add.. My mother certainly doesn't think so.

Other than having to stay for being sick, "studying", and watching this week's Glee twice with my dad, my boyfriend dropped off some vitamin B to ward off the cold symptons.. What a little suck huh? Kidding. He really is a sweetie.

In other news I cannot wait till exams are over. Nicolle and I have already discussed this. Post exam season is going to be cray cray.. Gongshows are awaiting my presence.. Glasses of wine are waiting to be filled.. The pavement has yet to feel the onslaught of my heels and perhaps my face (let's be serious, it's definitely going to be my knees or bum.. it always is).. All the restaurants of Vancouver/Richmond/Burnaby, be prepared to be amazed by mine and my girl Winda's appetite.. I AM COMING FOR YOU. Don't you worry..

goodnight & good luck to you

Sixteen Candles

"So.. when's the last time someone told you you looked younger than you actually are?" - my boyfriend.

I am aware that I look like a sixteen year old. *bbm hand* Who's gonna be laughing when I look 25, and y'all start greying in your 30's..

I have the urge to go shopping. Oh my God. I want to go shopping soo bad but I can't. I have to save up for Christmas AND for Mexico. I'm attempting to "prove something" by telling my mom I'm capable of paying half.. She doesn't think I know what it means to save up. UGH!!! Saving is not my forte. I have yet to save a penny of my earnings. I found out a few weeks ago that Carver saves half his paycheque every week.. what the hell have I been doing???? I guess I will be one of those people who will never have their own car.. their own house.. or be able to buy their children toys on their birthdays..

Whatever. I'm still going to make a shopping list:

- wedges from UO

- one-colour allover hightops

- men's circle scarf

- leather gloves

- CONTACTS B/C I'M LEGIT GOING BLIND

- hairspray

.. as well as a Mexican shopping list:

- romper

- fedora

- high-waisted shorts

- Levi cutoffs

- [taupe] Oxfords (to go with my high-waisted shorts, durr.)

- silky shorts

- black bikini

- dresses that won't get ruined if I decide to frolic in them

Boyfriend picked my drunk ass up from my staff Christmas party tonight. "You are a handful." I TOLD YOU SO!!!!!! Don't say I didn't warn you..

Half the staff was already tanked when I got there. Everyone looked great! It was so nice seeing everyone out of work. Umm.. however, some work drama that I never knew about came up.. but it's all good, I was knocking back that wine glass like there was no tomorrow.. Let's just say the Christmas party was so good that I want to stay another year just to come to the next one.. It's not because of the free alcohol, really.. It's because everyone there was like family. They've all known each other for so long and are so supportive (except for the fact that one of my coworkers wanted to steal my prize.. bitch, keep your paws off!). And God knows how hard it is to find a family out of your bloodline these days..

GAAAAH. I just want to fork a motherfuckin' caesar salad into my mouth right now.. heavy on the parm pleeeeeeease. Damn.. hungry as fuck.. !!!!!!!!!

bisou bisou

Absolutely Restless

yet beyond content.*
FIRST OFF.. despite royally pissing off my mother earlier, I love you mum!!! Don't stay mad at me for too long. I am your baby after all.. But anyhow, she was adorable as per usual today and went along and called me while I was studying, asking me if I'd like to go to a Miss Vancouver convention with her at the Pan Pacific. Initial thoughts--Mum, I know you'd love it if your daughter was Miss Vancouver but it's not happening. Secondary thoughts--dinner and a show... my fav. Tertiary thoughts--FUCK. I need to study like a motherfuck and Wednesday is no good. So yeah, sad sad.. told my mummy "No can do" and she went ahead and asked another friend. But! She did say "I wanted to ask you before anyone else." Muahahaha.. *kisses*


SECONDLY, maybe I'm feeling particularly loving lately and I have a sudden huge appreciation for my friends (not saying I didn't before). *The Fam*--you guys will remain my security blanket for as long as I live.. our KIDS will be growing together, this I swear to you! *shakes fist* Y'all can't run away from me.. As for W, legit.. what would I do without you??? E, my other half. And everyone else who has been such a breath of fresh air during my odd episodes and tendencies to revert into my bedroom like a hermit. *love love love, extreme blasts of love*

Today I ran into Piper, who I haven't seen in about a million years.. she was such a sweetheart.. There's something about bumping into someone and having a real conversation that makes them so endearing. And realizing how much you miss them.. ughh!!!!!!!! Time, where have you gone?

Futhermore, I need to make note of today's discovery.. I signed onto Facebook after I got home from studying and had new inbox messages from Nicolle. In it, she's attached a link to http://www.orphanage-outreach.org/. We've been dabbling at the subject of going overseas to volunteer, and I'm hoping this is going to be it. ENDPOINT, I felt ridiculously grateful that I have friends who are so giving.. I'm lucky to be surrounded by positive influences on me and the global community.

LASTLY, not gonna lie.. My boyfriend is amazing.

XXOO.

Free fall

So, I'm under the impression that relationships are supposed to be very give-and-take. Each partner should be treated as equals, or as subject to change with a given context.

I'm not used to give-and-take. I'm not a fan of give-and-take. Although I'd like to be. I'm getting the feeling that this relationship has too many "I'd like to be" and in return, I'm getting a lot of "But in reality".

And although we spend our lives trying to become the person we want to be, I think it hurts even more to pretend to be that person than not be that person at all. Am I crazy to think otherwise?

Sigh.

***

ALWAYS REMEMBER: You don't need any confirmation from anyone except that chick in the mirror.

Follow you heart. It'll lead you to good places.

I owe it all to you

Note to self: STOP SLEEPING SO LATE. It's like I'm purposely aiming for black under-eye circles and puffy eyelids. Not to mention that groggy feverish feeling that lasts the entire day. I'm so ridiculous when it comes to a normal sleeping pattern.. I must be under the impression that I'm a vampire and that I do not require sleep. Clearly.

I had somewhat of a rattling day at work. You would've thought that after I quit working at Cactus Club that I'd stop running into creeps. Wrong! Apparently they're some kind of disgusting breed that just happen to linger in all sorts of different places. It's actually been every weekend now that a guy at the bar sits down and starts asking me all these weird questions. "Where do you live?" "Are you 19 yet?" "What does your father do?" "Do you have a boyfriend?" What the fuck!! Today totally pushed it to an entire level though.. This guy comes in and sits up at the bar while I'm rolling cutlery, he seems normal, friendly at first. Then after a few sleeves of beer, he starts making references to my hair, my body parts and his body parts. I told my manager about it while I was cashing out, and she was so freaking sweet.. Like I'm so touched by her concern and her view of the matter. She told me that I don't get paid enough to be treated like that, and next time I should stand up for myself and she is willing pay for the repercussions. How sweet is that? I have a new found respect and love for my manager.. She was telling me how she used to work at a bar and she'd tell customers, "Touch my ass one more time, I will punch you in the face."


Anyways.. in the end, the guy was a legit craycray and my manager had to come out to talk to him anyway because he was disturbing customers and eyeing the table my friend's were sitting at. Thank God my friends were there to take me home.. otherwise I would've shit my pants leaving..

In other news I am so ready to get the hell out of Vancouver and go someplace that will really change my life (Mexico doesn't count). My heart is set on France, and when I say France, I mean Paris. Although I'd be just as down to go to Toulouse (umm Nestle chocolate factory, what's good?) or even Nimes because I'd love to be in a city that has good weather all year round. I swear I'm in it beyond the novelty factor.. I wanna know what it's like to really take care of myself (even though I'm planning on going with Nicolle, and y'all know she's RNWT material) and just to be open to absorb a whole new culture. It's not like the difference between here and America. Europe's an entirely different planet. I want to break free from the utopia that my family and friends have created for me here (don't get me wrong, I'm eternally grateful for their unconditional love and support).. I'm constantly needing to remind myself of just how spoiled I am here--emotionally and physically. An exchange is definitely something I'd like to achieve within the next year. *determined to get the fuck out of here* !!

With all advertisement on where to be on NYE, I can hardly believe this year is coming to an end.. I can hardly remember all the bigger and better moments of this year. I just know that this year has had its ups and downs.. but when considering where I am at this moment, I wouldn't have changed any of it.

IT'S 5:34AM....... FUCK WHAT I SAID AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS POST......

Goodnight, xoxo!

baby if it's love, I wanna fall.

I'm on the pursuit of happiness

swoon
smile
soft wrists
pretty lips and long eyelashes
hot air
dawn
sweetie pie
call me?
tuesday
shy smile
mints
pat pat
goodnight
happy

"Asian kiss?" - Glee