chaotic Kaylynn

My mother and I are currently not on speaking terms. The silent treatment is her cure for everything. My grandma is attempting to do all the mommy-ish side duties.. e.g. asking where I'm going as I put on my shoes to leav the house, making sure that I'm sleeping and eating, and the occasional "Are you seeing a boy?"

Unfortunately, my mum isn't the only person I've been fighting with. I've had a handful of fights with the boyfriend already.. it's like I'm prone to arguments! We have been fighting about "stupid" things that have led onto bigger topics.. such as, me not affectionate, me having poor organizational skills, me being inconsiderate. To make matters worse, I'm one of those feisty little shits that will keep fighting until I've got the last word. I'm also the annoying type that even when I know I'm wrong, I am defensive as fuck and will continue on with angry banter. Sometimes (like now), I even annoy myself..

Despite my antics, my boyfriend has been amazing. Although we didn't spend New Years together, I had a wonderfully random yet awesome NYE with the fam. Can't go wrong with my friends, we're always good as long as we're together. Boyfriend and I celebrated our one month on the 1st--monthaversaries, we are so lame but so happy together.

This winter break has been exceedingly unprecedented. I no longer have the desire to relish in every moment of life, that crave for life is gone. I am in constant debate whether this is just the way it goes in life, or I've somehow put a damper on myself? Crazy, to think that you make your own misery..

Sixteen Candles

"So.. when's the last time someone told you you looked younger than you actually are?" - my boyfriend.

I am aware that I look like a sixteen year old. *bbm hand* Who's gonna be laughing when I look 25, and y'all start greying in your 30's..

I have the urge to go shopping. Oh my God. I want to go shopping soo bad but I can't. I have to save up for Christmas AND for Mexico. I'm attempting to "prove something" by telling my mom I'm capable of paying half.. She doesn't think I know what it means to save up. UGH!!! Saving is not my forte. I have yet to save a penny of my earnings. I found out a few weeks ago that Carver saves half his paycheque every week.. what the hell have I been doing???? I guess I will be one of those people who will never have their own car.. their own house.. or be able to buy their children toys on their birthdays..

Whatever. I'm still going to make a shopping list:

- wedges from UO

- one-colour allover hightops

- men's circle scarf

- leather gloves

- CONTACTS B/C I'M LEGIT GOING BLIND

- hairspray

.. as well as a Mexican shopping list:

- romper

- fedora

- high-waisted shorts

- Levi cutoffs

- [taupe] Oxfords (to go with my high-waisted shorts, durr.)

- silky shorts

- black bikini

- dresses that won't get ruined if I decide to frolic in them

Boyfriend picked my drunk ass up from my staff Christmas party tonight. "You are a handful." I TOLD YOU SO!!!!!! Don't say I didn't warn you..

Half the staff was already tanked when I got there. Everyone looked great! It was so nice seeing everyone out of work. Umm.. however, some work drama that I never knew about came up.. but it's all good, I was knocking back that wine glass like there was no tomorrow.. Let's just say the Christmas party was so good that I want to stay another year just to come to the next one.. It's not because of the free alcohol, really.. It's because everyone there was like family. They've all known each other for so long and are so supportive (except for the fact that one of my coworkers wanted to steal my prize.. bitch, keep your paws off!). And God knows how hard it is to find a family out of your bloodline these days..

GAAAAH. I just want to fork a motherfuckin' caesar salad into my mouth right now.. heavy on the parm pleeeeeeease. Damn.. hungry as fuck.. !!!!!!!!!

bisou bisou

Unload

so i found out a few days ago that
one of my oldest and closest friends' mom
was diagnosed with cancer.

i've known this girl since we were 5
and we've been on and off best friends since we were 8.

i used to call her mom, my second mom
her home, my second home
her, my sister

what makes this all really tragic is the fact that
her dad died just two years ago
from the very same disease.
that was a few years of watching him die
several months of watching him deteriorate--mind and body alike

you'd think such an indestructible sickness would know how to disperse at a lower density level..

and all this news
made me think--
what's there really to be sad about in my life?

the fact that my hair has a red undertone, and not blonde?
how i'm unable to wear yellow tones in fear of looking jaundice?
how i am completely inept when any critical moment rolls around(/everything in life)..

when i think about the realities my friend has to face alone
everytime she goes to bed, everytime she wakes up in the morning
every single second of the fucking day--
it makes me want to laugh,
and ask God to give me something real to cry about.

Everyone needs to smile more.