projectile vomit

my heart died on sunday night
estimated time of death is 6pm
i miss her dearly

"i'm sorry for your loss"
"i can only imagine how you feel"
what do i say?
"thank you"?
"yes, i feel truly horrible"?

i shouldn't be so resentful,
the people around me don't know how to deal with my sadness
as much as i don't know how to deal with death.

i don't know what mourning is like

i hate work.. oh my god.. i fucking hate work.
the people i work for are such insensitive fucks
i could give a rat's ass about customer service at the moment
i'm doing my job the best i can.
i'm ready to walk out anyday now

my health is going down the drain
i have no appetite
i can't sleep
i have been sick for weeks..

there are far too many "what ifs"
and "couldve beens"
it's all too depressing to dwell upon

i know we all blame ourselves for what happened
sudden death is by far the worst way to say goodbye
the absolute worst
what i'm saying?
it's not saying goodbye at all
it's more like
whoosh
and you're gone
and then just layers and layers of regret and turmoil

i wish people would calmly fuck off
and leave me alone.
stop suggesting that i replace my dead dog
stop asking me what happened
stop telling me how i should and shouldn't feel
stop.

i have yet to spend a day alone and mourn by myself.
even the day she passed, my boyfriend came to see me
i don't blame him
but i'm not gonna lie
i held back my sobs until i got back into my house

i'm so sick of putting on this front
so that everybody thinks i'm okay
and we can continue talking about boy problems
as though they are world issues

i'm a hypocrite
just a week ago i was talking about the very same trivial issues
yet at this moment in the time
i'm not particularly interested.

i'm aware that there are far worse things
then waking up and finding your puppy lying dead in a room all by herself,
i am very aware.
but are you?

everyone keeps telling me how strong i am
am i really?
maybe i'm just good at maintaining this pretense
when indeed, all my strings have come undone
and my insides have finally collapsed in a miserable heap
my heart being at the very bottom of that heap.

my entire family is in mourning
we are barely capable of comforting ourselves
let alone eachother

the silence in this house is deafening

and although her possessions have been put away
i look around this house and think to myself,

something is missing.