Writing my paper, waiting for my coffee buzz to die down.. stalking my ex-boyfriend on Facebook for a little bit (don't act like you never).. I think I know what's missing.
No. It's not him (Thank God).
At least not him per se. It's more as though, while I was looking at pictures of him (DON'T ACT LIKE YOU NEVER), I asked myself "How much did I love him again?" Did the last few years really revolve around him?
It seems like it never happened at all. It seems non-existent. Or otherwise, insignificant and frivolous.
My heartstrings no longer pull at the sight of him. The chronic feelings of jealousy have completely dissipated in his wake. All feared prospects of previous attachment is gone. I'm free.
If you wanna fly,
you gotta let go of the shit that weighs you
down.
x, K
But I don't. I feel half-empty. I don't even know whether it's a void that needs to be filled or not; I just know that right now it is wasting away. Abandoned and left to die. I wanna say it's becoming obsolete.. but how can I go and say that when I am in a relationship with someone who is desperately trying make things work?
He is sweet. And honest. And caring. And captivating. And funny. And smart. And strong. And thoughtful. What is wrong with me? Clearly, I am unappreciative. And thoughtless. And inconsiderate. And insulting. And out of my mind.
How is it that I feel like my insides are dead? As though my heart has stopped beating and incapable of feeling that magic that only people who are really love feel.
What I'm trying to say is that, my heartstrings to pull for anyone anymore. What does this mean?
Think for me.
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